One of the things that makes my life hard is that I don't suffer fools gladly and yet I still have to live with myself. -- C. Atkinson
With that said there really are some things in life that are inescapable and one of them is that you simply have to do some things in life to make things work for the one person you can never get away from...even if you aren't a big fan of that person. For me, that meant retiring from youth ministry. Actually, it may have meant retiring from "formal" ministry for good...only the Big Cochise knows that and He's not talking. Not about that anyway. Not to me for certain. (Or am I not listening...hmmm...)
The French revere Jerry Lewis. (How was that for a non-sequiter?) They get a lot of flack for that for that and for their general lack of boules in almost all international matters (plus who can forgive them for mimes?). Personally, when it comes to Mr. Lewis, I think it may be their only redeeming quality. In his1963 film "The Nutty Professor" the protagonist has found out that one might as well learn to like ones' self. After all, "think about all the time you're gonna have to spend with you."
I personally wouldn't go that far. As a Christian, I am called to find my personal value in the fact that I was created in the image of God (what that might mean is a fodder for another blog...but it definitely involves a "who is the pot to argue with the potter" aspect), as well as the fact that the ONE that crated everything would rather suffer humiliation, pain and death than to not be with me.
I get it.
It's Amazing.
And Gracious.
And then there's reality.
I'm a creep. A lot of people like me that shouldn't. I only know one that is almost honest enough to admit that their life might almost be better without me in it...but can't quite get there. As far as I know.
But then again, we all have some crazy stuff inside us. Theologians call it "sin." Church people (even leaders...ESPECIALLY leaders...as I know from many examples large/small/indie/and Methodical) are great about pretending that they have it and are "forgiven"and are "just like you can be" Then they go home...maybe turn on Sports Center or lose themselves in their busy work...but they can never really escape it. That feeling that maybe they are a little worse than your "average sinner" and thus better take an extra drink or dip into the bottle of muscle relaxants from last summers' ouchie-boo-boo to buck up so that tomorrow no one can see inside into the torrent.
Kinda deep huh? Not you, you say? No...never. Me? Yep. My hand's in the air. I'll "fess up.
Bryan Duncan once wrote about the Anonymous Confessions of a Lunatic Friend. How we all would LOVE to tell you about this OTHER GUY/GIRL we know (not us of course!) that could really use some help. His lyrics say, "You see he's been accosted by the local self righteous vigilantes in the name of God...and he believes (in God) but he's not sure who his friends are and if they'd still be hanging around with him...boy, if they ever really knew! I guess I'm looking for some understanding for my 'lunatic friend.'"
That's me...recently even. Except I gave up after agonizing over if fellow Christians were who they said they really were and if I could actually find some real understanding...or if I should just walk away. So...I walked away.
Ooops. Did I say "me?" Did that sound kinda genuine? Genuinely painful? Then...it wasn't me. It was my lunatic friend.
The lyrics go on: "Sometimes I wonder if there's any help for my lunatic friend. Sometimes I cry for the love he's abusing."
Abusing. Jesus' love. The love of family and maybe the love of a friend or two..a real one if there are any. Here's a secret for you. Maybe not for the best of the best ministers, but I've been doing this long enough to know that the MAJORITY of real ministers ...if they were honest with you and themselves...have a level of friendship that is needed in their lives that is rarely met. Not that you aren't their friend. Not that you aren't their good friend. But...there's always going to be an ultimate barrier that only one or two in a lifetime of a minister will ever get past. And...chances are...you're not it. Sorry. It's not personal. It's actually our fault as pastors. At least it's mine in my case.
Where was I again? LOL. One of the things my formers won't miss about me is my lack of focus.
So. Years of pouring into kids and their families and the kids' friends. And the church members. No complaints really....I loved serving people. Deaths, hospitals, suicides, teen angst, my angst, births, marriages, power-crazed deacons (I believe they will inhabit their own level of Dante's Hell next to "obnoxious mothers-of-the-brides" and "fiddle" players), camps and retreats...all part of the journey.
Of course there's also years of never getting to leave work at work. Not having patience for my own son because FRED parents let their boys treat authority figures like dirt ....and all because I never developed a decent enough pathology to be able to (1) passionately stand in front a a group of kids and simultaneously tell them "Jesus adores you" while (2) marking the hellish little mooks on the forehead with "6's" thus tagging them for post-FRED retroactive birth control.
Ahhhh...that felt good!
I just can't do it. Not any more. Here's the deal. My deal at least. Youth ministry for over 20 years. All those years of putting on fronts. Of putting other kids' lives in front of my own and having my family act proud that I did it.
Gone.
My demons?
Still hanging around, smoking clove cigarettes and hiding the Smirnoff Ice (grape, if you please) under the M & M's and Homemade Ice Cream (legal/moral self medication, thank you very much!) in the Wallyworld food trolly just in case one of the hundreds of pairs of eyeballs from the local Chapter might be watching.
Am I seriously the only one that can relate?
Do I care at this point? Actually...I do. Dang it. That's the other problem I have. Although I'm a sinful son of a motherless goat I'm a Saint of Christ and at times quite an amazing chap, ...I just said so myself!
"Do I contradict my self? Very well then! I contradict myself! I am large! I contain multitudes!" -- Walt Whitman
I care about what damage I may do or may have done to Christ and his image. I don't want to see my spiraling psyche hurt anyone more than I have. I may not have wanted to go out like Elijah, but leaving like Rich Mullins wouldn't have been bad. Last summer's motorcycle accident could have tied things up nicely in some ways but I'm here and I have to live with that, so to speak.
Now I am the best type of theologian I think. an unemployed one. One that has hundreds of books and thousands of hours of deep study (I know it was just Cincinnati Bible College but I graduated with honors...right ahead of the mascot...a 75 year old blind turtle named Mort with a club foot and a secret addiction to "nose candy"...but I digress...) and no one to impress. No one to put on a show for on Sunday morning. No one to hide from.
I take that back. I do hide. I actually enjoy being places in town and not being recognized. Not being a jerk here. Just telling you the truth. I like being normal.
I was always normal. Probably worse than any of you in some ways but you patted me on the back because I could sing and play a few instruments (I'd say 97% on stage was where I was most free to be me and to really honor God...I do miss that) and I was a loyal worker bee and I cared about you and your kids (I really did....still do just not in the same capacity)...
And I am one jacked-up person that you can be glad was replaced by a talented young Johnson guy who will likely not frustrate anyone with a messy office (he really is an amazing guy...you all got blessed....don't hold the JBC thing against him!)
My job now is not what I will be doing forever. I lost a lot of income when I gained my freedom from the roundabout of ministry and I'm still trying to find something that will come close to where the good folks at the Chapel had me.
If you read this...be free to leave any kind of response at all. I can take anything after what I've been through lately...I mean anything.
But be nice (as I know you will be) to Cara and the kids and her parents as they come to live at the house as things are changing wildly.
And if nothing else, maybe in some way I did one person out there some good by opening up. I want no pity or or hugs (I'm actually kind of in hermit mode for a while). I just want you to know....
God loves you. He's got enough "perfect" to go around so it's cool if you're not.
Jesus is real...He is amazing. But walking with Him isn't easy. It hurts like mad sometimes. But I guess it beats walking totally alone.
Life is messy. As the saying goes, "Life is a hell of a thing to have happen to a person." Let's all be glad that at best (Biblically) down here Got capped us at 120 years and that the good stuff w/Him is forever. Outside of time. With Him in some kind of Eternal Now. No more tears. Johnson Baby Shampoo for the Soul.
So...you ask...Was my service in Youth Ministry enough? Am I a quitter? Did I not finish the race? A couple of my co-laborers said when I announced my leaving, "What?...What are you...what will you...how could you?...how? HOW? How could you leave THIS?" Maybe meaning ministry in general or possibly mine specifically...I think they genuinely believe that the things going on inside the walls of the local church are the highest calling there is. And...I suppose, that's what you want your pastors to believe ...right?
I don't believe that any more so it makes sense and seems the honorable and honest thing for me to do to have left and opened up a space for a servant to come along that agrees with those in that leadership. Me? I just get to wander around confused now LOL! But it has it's moments.
I guess my best answer is..... I love you. LOL I love you and it's none of your damn business if I failed or not. Go away. Follow your own call. "Be extraordinary" like a Dead Poet.
Me? Even now, as I look for the next chapter I find myself going to the far west side of Indy...entering a school of TEENS...teens who are hurting and hopeless and who wouldn't sit still for a Crossing message if it was only 15 minutes long and crafted by the Lord HImself.
And I'm really good at it. and I'm still a jerk. And I'm still conflicted. And I'm still messy.
Godspeed and good luck on your journey.
And if you made it this far in your reading...no....this isn't even close to the whole story...but if I told you the whole thing, ...well....ELBERT HUBBARD SAID... "If men could only know each other, they would neither idolize nor hate." ...but you might be tempted to hate. So we'll stop right here.
